May 19, 2017

It’s been a while since the last blog post. Poring over my previous entries, I realized how naive I have been. There was one particular post where I wrote that medical school may instantly turn me into a cynic. Folks, I was right. Now that I’m done with first year of medical school, my God, I would have to say that I’m a different person now. I am shell-shocked, traumatized. Over the academic year that has passed, I have been perverted, turned upside down, shaken more than a hundred times–mentally tortured, to say the least. I did try to be strong, to lessen my complaints, and just be all about positivity. But curiously, all the efforts of being optimistic all the time left me with nothing but scars. While trying to be pleasant all the time, I have subconsciously eschewed my right to feel all sorts of negative emotions. And now that I am left with 3 months of sheer rest and freedom, these demons that I tried my best to shoo away to bug me on another day are haunting me like I have a debt or something. My thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone.

But at this moment, I say that I am starting to feel better, lighter now, thanks to a friend who has in his magical way cracked through my hardened exterior. You see, I’m not really the type of person who is willing to open up to others about my deepest sentiments. I am in that vicious habit of bottling up my feelings and instead focus on others. But as waves of stress brought about by both of my home life and my schooling clash together to form this gigantic death wall accelerating towards my direction to devour me, I find myself doing more harm to myself than protection. I have internalized these negative feelings too much that I seem to have transformed into this soul-less robot. It affected my focus, concentration, self-esteem, even the way I connect with others. I think I rendered my friendships compromised because of my own doing. I became socially inept. Almost zero confidence. All of this chaos masked with a daily stone-cold, dismal, exhausted expression on my face… Radiated across my surroundings, unintentionally warding off possibilities with strangers around me, people who I think are amazing (Or they may seem horrible at first but they may turn out to be my favorite people).

So what’s the point of all my rambling? I learned that, I should find a way to properly channel my negative feelings. And it’s not wrong to have those kinds of feelings. I was being unfair to myself. I was too hard on myself. I demanded so much and yet didn’t give enough to myself. I neglected myself. I resorted to self-hatred whenever the tyranny of the should is “betrayed”. And so I want to take this summer break to change all of this. I do hope that it’s not too late.

I am itching to see my med school friends again, just to say to their faces how sorry I am for appearing aloof and distant, for not being able to be the friend that I can truly be for them. And in their presence I ought to treat myself better by fearlessly (and yet tactfully) expressing my truest thoughts. It’s a form of being honest to them, I find. And they deserve my authenticity and honesty because they are such wonderful people. And of course I would have to thank them for never leaving me nevertheless.

I am dying to re-ignite my fire for success and re-gain my sense of competency and purpose. I find that being generous to others of my own self will silence the internal voices that bring me down. I will be able to focus more on my academics.

I wish myself good luck for the coming days that will be for nothing and nobody but myself. I want to fall back in love with myself. I have to. This is the only life I’ve got.

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